( side, face. the memory was drug-hazy even before being warped by splitting into two very distinctive recollections. there is a pause as clarke truly assesses and the answer is — )
No. I never wanted to hurt her physically.
I guess it helped than when I first found out the truth, she was hundreds of miles away in space and I was on the ground. All I could do was hang up the radio and take off the monitoring bracelet.
( so, you know, arguably she did want to hurt abby, by no longer assuring her that her daughter was safe and alive. )
But I'm not saying it wasn't a little... You know. Cathartic. To see you do it. I didn't appreciate it in the moment, but.
[Oh, so Clarke's...not actually angry? Or not accusing her of anything, anyway... Huh. And...giving her a few more emotionally intimate details. This sure is a far cry from the half-involuntary first conversation where they talked about family.]
You were kind of distracted in the moment.
[Rita's little concession, then, because even if they weren't getting along at all in the memory, a bit of time and hindsight do still let her cool down and understand a bit more where Clarke was coming from. In many, many ways...]
Anyway, I don't like people who just use others for their own gain.
[And it's not hard to know where that's coming from, after ending up in one of her own memories.]
Were all adults in your world like that? Pretending everything was for the "greater good"?
Not all of them, but a lot. Especially the ones who sat on the Council.
It was what we'd been taught since birth. We believed we were all that remained of humanity in the entire universe, and that our descendants would one day return to Earth and rebuild society. That was the end goal, the greater good. And surviving that long was going to require a lot of cooperation.
Everyone was supposed to keep their heads down and find a way to contribute. And the people who didn't tended to starve. Or they were executed.
And after all that, humanity was still thriving perfectly well on the ground. That must have gone over well.
[She stares over "cult-like" a moment. The space-dwellers in Clarke's world and their slavish devotion to laws and the "greater good".
...The guilds in Rita's world and their slavish devotion to their rules and scores, the empire and its slavish devotion to power and class and hierarchy... Things she was in a position to ignore, isolated in her own research-devoted bubble until she left Aspio with Estelle.]
Maybe people aren't all that different, even across universes.
[...A far cry from what she once said to Clarke, isn't it? Your world was seriously rotten...]
( dry and bitter, almost humor. but the way clarke's mouth twitches as she types it is a little too serious. for once at least, no walls firmly entrenched in unstable ground. rita has now officially walked a day in clarke's shoes, and it feels... violating, like most ship shit-shows end up. but also easier, at least a little, to talk to her now. the other girl had been both angry and scared during the time she'd spent in space, and what truer understanding of another person was there than experiencing life altering events right alongside one another? )
I think people and their issues are pretty similar all across the board.
( and then, since it's easier to ask than to address the fact she's not feeling amazing right now, clarke tacks on: )
Are you doing okay, Rita? With all of this going on, are you good?
[Rita stares at that last text way longer than necessary, because a) talk about really obvious subject avoidance; b) putting her in the spotlight of concern always feels awkward; and c) how the hell does she actually answer that with everything happening?
She waits. Types. Deletes. Keeps trying to decide what to say, before ultimately not actually addressing the question.]
I want Natsuno to have more time.
[It's not fair--he's trying to value himself and find a way to live, but if reality breaks down around them, he won't get the chance.]
( natsuno and rita really are just lovesick little puppies, aren't they? but this is different than him saying he wants to "blanket" her, this is a sentiment clarke can get behind. and one of the few that gives her pause whenever she thinks about how the best way this whole cruise ends is in oblivion. )
Besides, aren't you the same? You can't stand people you care about getting hurt either, right?
[Sure, she doesn't like the idea that she herself could disappear too--after all, they'll all be gone if this reality disintegrates--but it just hurts more to think about the same thing happening to Natsuno. And that, she supposes, it what it means to care about someone...]
( "i had an idea of it in october, and knew since november" she almost types but, eh, it isn't really important. it's nice to just sit for a minute and try to bask in the glow of her friends' happiness. her heart swells to the point of no longer fitting comfortably in her ribcage, then — )
You're such an upgrade, Rita.
( tohru was tragic, but still a dick in the end. natsuno deserves this, not that. )
And you're right. Every time anything bad happens to someone here, it hurts. But if something permanent were to happen to Natsuno or Palamedes... Or you and Jade. Tear, Pratt, Sharky...
[There was no embarrassment in declaring just how much she loved Natsuno. Clarke calling her an upgrade, though? Suddenly she's flustered, caught between sentiments of I don't know, it's not a competition and damn right she is.
So what's Rita to do when flustered?]
🐱
[There. That's...an answer somehow, right? Anyway! More importantly! Clarke names everyone important to her, and Rita's kind of surprised just how high Palamedes is on that list--seriously, he's higher than her? Wait, Rita's third? (Not that placement matters; it's not like it's a ranking, aside from Natsuno obviously being top-tier on both their lists-)]
Yeah, I get it. It's different when it's someone you love getting hurt.
( oh they're doing emojis now instead of verbalizing feelings? sometimes clarke forgets that's a perfectly viable option — along with cat memes apparently — and really should work on including both into everyday usage. think how much internal pain that'd save when trying to discuss sad things?
natsuno has cemented his spot at #1 on both their lists, and it's gonna take the combined acts of multiple gods all at once to ever unseat him. that's just true facts at this point. )
I don't want to see anyone getting hurt. Not even Skulduggery anymore, though if the universe decides to crack a few bones in his ribcage, I wouldn't be moved to intervene. But like...
Do you think it's possible there really is a way out of this place? Without losing anyone we care about, without killing someone that someoneelse cares about?
Every night here feels like the night before a war ( — and that's on ptsd clarke, but moving on — ) and I just can't help feeling that it's not going to end well.
[A whole new way to avoid talking about awkward things... One that Rita wouldn't use more than sparingly, though, and one that would probably annoy her if she was on the other end of it, in some circumstances... But what else is there to be said about Tohru that Natsuno hasn't stated already himself? Therefore, she's not going to waste her all-important brainpower on deciding on an appropriate reply where he's concerned.
And...yeah. No emoji stand-ins for avoiding replying to that. After a moment of consideration-]
Are you genuinely asking, or are you looking for some kind of reassurance?
Because I don't know if I have an answer either way.
[She doesn't know the answer for getting out of here at all, much less without somebody being hurt one way or another. It doesn't mean she wants it to end in pain, of course, but Rita's not exactly known for optimism in dire situations, either.]
[It can be both. Unfortunately, it doesn't make any solution come to her any more easily. If only it could.]
Like I said, I don't know the answer.
[She's never had the answer here when it comes to escape, when it comes to saving them. The only real answer she's discovered to anything is Natsuno.]
But the way I do see it is that we'll do what's necessary.
[Which would include allying--with great displeasure, still--with the captain like Skulduggery's been trying, if she could ever believe that he'd actually help them rather than torment them. And she doesn't actually anticipate it becoming a viable possibility now, or any time soon...if ever. Wait, she should clarify one thing--not that it's likely necessary, but just so it's clear-]
Short of pulling a Jenny, I mean. I won't accept that method.
( we'll do what's necessary, rita says. and clarke's kneejerk response is: like always. no good choices — no sure thing choices, no painless choices, no easy choices — lay ahead of them. and when it comes down to the inevitable wire, they'll probably be stuck with an oxymoronic only choice scenario. which is horrendously stressful to think about, but not unfamiliar. clarke's just no good at waiting. )
No slaughtering everyone on board just for the chance to play cards, got it.
Though I think sitting around all day drinking banana daquiris could also be considered "pulling a Jenny". Which doesn't sound like all that bad an idea lately.
[Not that she thinks Clarke would opt for any choice like that. After all, hadn't they established that she was more the self-sacrificing sort?]
She really just goes from one extreme to the other. Anyway, I wouldn't call it a good idea, either.
I get finding time for a break [as if they don't actually have way too much time for that] but getting drunk seems like it would be the opposite of helpful.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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No. I never wanted to hurt her physically.
I guess it helped than when I first found out the truth, she was hundreds of miles away in space and I was on the ground. All I could do was hang up the radio and take off the monitoring bracelet.
( so, you know, arguably she did want to hurt abby, by no longer assuring her that her daughter was safe and alive. )
But I'm not saying it wasn't a little... You know. Cathartic. To see you do it. I didn't appreciate it in the moment, but.
Thanks? For caring enough to get mad.
no subject
You were kind of distracted in the moment.
[Rita's little concession, then, because even if they weren't getting along at all in the memory, a bit of time and hindsight do still let her cool down and understand a bit more where Clarke was coming from. In many, many ways...]
Anyway, I don't like people who just use others for their own gain.
[And it's not hard to know where that's coming from, after ending up in one of her own memories.]
Were all adults in your world like that? Pretending everything was for the "greater good"?
no subject
It was what we'd been taught since birth. We believed we were all that remained of humanity in the entire universe, and that our descendants would one day return to Earth and rebuild society. That was the end goal, the greater good. And surviving that long was going to require a lot of cooperation.
Everyone was supposed to keep their heads down and find a way to contribute. And the people who didn't tended to starve. Or they were executed.
( ....huh. a moment of personal enlightenment. )
You could say it was a little cult-like, I guess.
no subject
[She stares over "cult-like" a moment. The space-dwellers in Clarke's world and their slavish devotion to laws and the "greater good".
...The guilds in Rita's world and their slavish devotion to their rules and scores, the empire and its slavish devotion to power and class and hierarchy... Things she was in a position to ignore, isolated in her own research-devoted bubble until she left Aspio with Estelle.]
Maybe people aren't all that different, even across universes.
[...A far cry from what she once said to Clarke, isn't it? Your world was seriously rotten...]
no subject
( dry and bitter, almost humor. but the way clarke's mouth twitches as she types it is a little too serious. for once at least, no walls firmly entrenched in unstable ground. rita has now officially walked a day in clarke's shoes, and it feels... violating, like most ship shit-shows end up. but also easier, at least a little, to talk to her now. the other girl had been both angry and scared during the time she'd spent in space, and what truer understanding of another person was there than experiencing life altering events right alongside one another? )
I think people and their issues are pretty similar all across the board.
( and then, since it's easier to ask than to address the fact she's not feeling amazing right now, clarke tacks on: )
Are you doing okay, Rita? With all of this going on, are you good?
no subject
She waits. Types. Deletes. Keeps trying to decide what to say, before ultimately not actually addressing the question.]
I want Natsuno to have more time.
[It's not fair--he's trying to value himself and find a way to live, but if reality breaks down around them, he won't get the chance.]
no subject
yeah.
yeah. )
I get that.
( natsuno and rita really are just lovesick little puppies, aren't they? but this is different than him saying he wants to "blanket" her, this is a sentiment clarke can get behind. and one of the few that gives her pause whenever she thinks about how the best way this whole cruise ends is in oblivion. )
You really love him, don't you.
no subject
[This, at least, is an immediate response.]
Besides, aren't you the same? You can't stand people you care about getting hurt either, right?
[Sure, she doesn't like the idea that she herself could disappear too--after all, they'll all be gone if this reality disintegrates--but it just hurts more to think about the same thing happening to Natsuno. And that, she supposes, it what it means to care about someone...]
no subject
You're such an upgrade, Rita.
( tohru was tragic, but still a dick in the end. natsuno deserves this, not that. )
And you're right. Every time anything bad happens to someone here, it hurts. But if something permanent were to happen to Natsuno or Palamedes... Or you and Jade. Tear, Pratt, Sharky...
I don't know what I'd do anymore.
( or who i'd even be... )
no subject
So what's Rita to do when flustered?]
🐱
[There. That's...an answer somehow, right? Anyway! More importantly! Clarke names everyone important to her, and Rita's kind of surprised just how high Palamedes is on that list--seriously, he's higher than her? Wait, Rita's third? (Not that placement matters; it's not like it's a ranking, aside from Natsuno obviously being top-tier on both their lists-)]
Yeah, I get it. It's different when it's someone you love getting hurt.
All we can do is try to prevent it where we can.
[And hope it's enough.]
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natsuno has cemented his spot at #1 on both their lists, and it's gonna take the combined acts of multiple gods all at once to ever unseat him. that's just true facts at this point. )
I don't want to see anyone getting hurt. Not even Skulduggery anymore, though if the universe decides to crack a few bones in his ribcage, I wouldn't be moved to intervene. But like...
Do you think it's possible there really is a way out of this place? Without losing anyone we care about, without killing someone that someoneelse cares about?
Every night here feels like the night before a war ( — and that's on ptsd clarke, but moving on — ) and I just can't help feeling that it's not going to end well.
no subject
And...yeah. No emoji stand-ins for avoiding replying to that. After a moment of consideration-]
Are you genuinely asking, or are you looking for some kind of reassurance?
Because I don't know if I have an answer either way.
[She doesn't know the answer for getting out of here at all, much less without somebody being hurt one way or another. It doesn't mean she wants it to end in pain, of course, but Rita's not exactly known for optimism in dire situations, either.]
no subject
( spoiler: it is both.
but reigning in the moment that has already toppled from the precarious ledge and slid solidly into vulnerable territory... )
You want Natsuno to have more time. We both do. I just want to know how you see it playing out in a way we can achieve that.
no subject
Like I said, I don't know the answer.
[She's never had the answer here when it comes to escape, when it comes to saving them. The only real answer she's discovered to anything is Natsuno.]
But the way I do see it is that we'll do what's necessary.
[Which would include allying--with great displeasure, still--with the captain like Skulduggery's been trying, if she could ever believe that he'd actually help them rather than torment them. And she doesn't actually anticipate it becoming a viable possibility now, or any time soon...if ever. Wait, she should clarify one thing--not that it's likely necessary, but just so it's clear-]
Short of pulling a Jenny, I mean. I won't accept that method.
no subject
No slaughtering everyone on board just for the chance to play cards, got it.
Though I think sitting around all day drinking banana daquiris could also be considered "pulling a Jenny". Which doesn't sound like all that bad an idea lately.
no subject
She really just goes from one extreme to the other. Anyway, I wouldn't call it a good idea, either.
I get finding time for a break [as if they don't actually have way too much time for that] but getting drunk seems like it would be the opposite of helpful.
no subject
Sometimes I wonder if it's less about a break and more just trying to forget.